shooting through the heart

It was a day of judgement I reckon.    A bad day at work and i was caught up in the ancient drama of self-flaggelation for my "sins."  We all have those moments - moments that last, sometimes, for days.  i knew the story was old and i knew it was a lie.  But i could not shake the judge inside my mind and it was really fucking up my photography.  Ugg!  Nothing but wet limp black eye'd susan's.   Everywhere i looked i "saw" the "judge," the "critic," the "critical-mind" eager to find fault.

Clearly, it was time to take a second look!


"What the ##*%!" i thought glumly as i sank down to my knees onto the soft, moist grass and started to pry and peer at the life occuring before me.  in the garden.  on that day.  at that time.  "Hmmm....nothing but soft wet muted colors, so dank, depressing," i thought and then it hit me.  What i could "see" was a reflection of my own damp, down-in-the-mouth mood. So i knelt and set up tripod clamping down the 200mm Nikkor macro and i sat and i looked.  i observed.  i allowed curiosity to arise within.  i started to breathe and use the breath to anchor me, to still the mind racing inside, to come to some sort of screeching halt!  Feel the air on my face, know i need to get out the bug spray, feel the way-much-slower-pace of the place and the feel of the space, settle in and begin the work of getting out of my own way!

i started to see what i was not able to "see" before when the "judge" was behind my eye's.  Patterns emerge.  Raw shapes of color and light fill the lens.  i find it exciting to see what comes together in the mind when nothing is in focus in the viewfinder!   i find it challenging to try and find some blend of camera skill and technique with the randomly playful....the eternal "what-if" i like to playfully ask, and the mindfulness of "beginner's mind,"  and be given an image that delights!  An image that somehow opens the heart......

Flowers, i realize are not what i seem to be seeing as i look through the lens.  i start with the energy or the mood of "suzan,"  then "her" shape and shapes lending to a pleasant composition i like things with a little flow.  Color and colors against colors are next on the the run-down-list and here one must experiment, often widely,  to happen upon that exposure where the colors work together. And sometimes they just don't.  i don't know why but when thats the case one can only absorb with their heart and forego the memory card. And finally, how to  take all those ingredients and combine them in some self-pleasing way! WHEW!  That makes me tired just typing it....  and as always one must allow room for the "More."

These are both multiple-exposures.  The one above was conceived of as a "time" shot.  9 exposures taken in some sequence allowing for the wind to blow and drops of water to carress and then fall.  This one here is also 9 exposures and conceived of as more a "movement" shot.  The neat thing about both is that both subjects choose me,  on separate days, and even cooler is that even though the pics are not "killers!" i experienced them both as wonderous gifts.  As i knelt, eye glued to the back of the camera,  i heard a voice whispering:  "this is love."  i remember experiencing a big ole smile both when i clicked and when i looked at what had returned to me.  i laughed and danced a little there in that garden and understod it all as evidence of the "dharma of god" of the "dance of life,"  and i felt blessed.
doc rob